Self-portrait

Self-portrait, a photo by patti_lorenzo-encarnacion on Flickr.

I remember this day so vividly. It was a drawing class and it was one of those "choose your own subject and do whatever you want" days. Those were the days when I was so aware of my own presence and the first thing I thought of was to sit in front of a big mirror and draw myself. I remember enjoying myself and not thinking about mistakes. Looking back at this portrait again after twenty-something years, I can see how determined I was by the look on my face. It was such a liberating moment when I just picked up what I wanted to from my Artbin.

My life has been turbulent since that day. I am now weathered and changed. I was young and ambitious then but I don't know at what point that changed. I became caught up in finding meaning in being present for others all the while forgetting myself. While it worked for a while, as my children became more independent, I grew restless. Until three years ago, I did not know why I never became who I wanted to be. I second-guessed myself and allowed myself to fall through the cracks. Ironically, I had to hit rock bottom to bounce back up. I took a career detour and became involved in learning how to help others, as a means for me to find a more practical profession. While I studied to be a counselor, my professors could not stress enough the importance of self-reflection, authenticity, and being mindful of our own limitations, biases, and boundaries. After countless papers studying human behavior and basic theories in psychology, my creative mind was tapped from a different angle. I feverishly wrote my papers like I was painting. I knew I had found my calling.

What I know now, though, is that I would go through the whole process again to be who I am now. If not for those experiences, I would not have a series of wake-up calls. Life is just that- a process and a series of "aha!" moments. An experience that continues to recreate a person with every cut that is mended, every wound that is healed, and every tidal wave that momentarily stops your breath only to help you wash away the unnecessary.

Twenty-one years later, I may be scarred but in no way damaged. If anything, I am determined to sit still once again and face myself in the mirror, look myself in the eye, and say "You inspire me".